PADME: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! Hope you don't mind the substitution, but my sweet Ani is a little tied up right now. Are you ready for a deathmatch?

[crowd cheers]

PADME: All right! She's been beaten by everyone from Yoda to that miserable slimy double-dealing...

[WICKET rolls his eyes at her]

PADME:... but at least canon Senator Palpatine--

PALPATINE: [from the sidelines] That would be Emperor, you naive thing.

PADME: In your dreams, you dirty old man. [clears throat] Anyway, you've seen her taken down by yours truly and by my daughter, and you've seen her taken down by fans. Ladies and gentleman, I give you The Masque of the Red Death, Mara Jade!

[LOVERS cheer wildly as MARA comes out. ZAHN and THRAWN are already sitting in her corner.]

ZAHN: This one's going to be easy, Mara. No one cares about this one. Who would? And if you lose, I'm replacing you with Thrawn. Everywhere.

THRAWN: [slicking his blue-black hair into place] Yes, and I must say, there are certain scenes I'm quite looking forward to...

MARA: [sniffs] Whatever. You can have those. But I'm keeping my kewl action scenes!

PADME: And her challenger this time around, from the world of Tatooine, where she and her husband can face down Tusken raiders with a single blaster, the woman I actually trusted with my son, Beru Lars!

[AUNT BERU steps out into the spotlight cautiously, her hands clasped in front of her. Her eyes dart up to the stands, where she is surprised to see so many people.]

SHELLEY: You show 'em, Aunt Beru!

SREYA: Take this faker out!

JEDI_BRATZILLA: We know who raised Luke right!

[FERN just keeps scribbling, like always.]

[The LOVERS side of the auditorium has erupted in raucous laughter.]

MARAMANIAC #1: [laughing hysterically] She doesn't have the Force, or a blaster! She's a housewife!

[This amuses him so much that he actually doubles over laughing.]

GIRL MARAMANIAC: And look at the way she's dressed! No one's gonna take her seriously! [Suddenly, she spills out of her black leather bustier, and scoots behind MARAMANIAC #1 to tuck herself back in. None of the male MARAMANIACS notices; all eyes are on MARA.]

[Tentatively, AUNT BERU goes to her corner. GEORGE gives her a glass of blue milk.]

GEORGE LUCAS: Here. You've served enough of it, I think it's time to serve you one.

AUNT BERU: Thank you, God George. I am a bit thirsty. Who is this again?

LUKE: Well...

AUNT BERU: [understanding] Oh, Luke, no. You know better than this! That trollop is beneath you. Didn't you learn your lesson after that girl Camie back in Anchorhead made fun of you? Didn't your uncle and I teach you anything?

LUKE: It's not my fault! [points at ZAHN] He wrote me wrong. I didn't have any say in this.

AUNT BERU: [glares at ZAHN, then shakes head] Well, I'll tell Uncle to go see him about that later.

LEIA: Camie? Who's Camie? And how can we get her here?

AUNT BERU: Never mind, dear. She's almost as sleazy as that... [she points distastefully at MARA, unable to come up with a word]

GEORGE LUCAS: Don't worry, Beru. You have a deep reservoir of strength, and you've survived in a much harsher world than Mara would deign to live in. Even her promoters couldn't convince themselves that she could live anywhere on Tatooine harsher than Jabba's palace.

AUNT BERU: She lived at Jabba's! [shakes head] Luke is dating someone who lived at Jabba's! [looks sympathetically at LUKE] Don't worry, dear. Everything will work out fine.

MARAMANIAC #2: C'mon, Mara, take care of this dustrag! She's BORRRING!

MARAMANIAC #1: [recovering from laughing fit] Yeah, Mara, you rock! She's... she's got wrinkles!

JEDI15: Mara's not even half the woman Aunt Beru is!

AS_MESARTHIM: I'll second that!

[Back in MARA'S corner, ZAHN is staring contemptuously at AUNT BERU while THRAWN ogles himself in MARA'S mirror.]

ZAHN: I have a feeling I've seen her before, but I can't be bothered to remember. She's certainly not a worthy opponent, but at least you'll get a win.

MARA: (grabs mirror from THRAWN) Gimme that. I want to fix my hair. May as well do this without one gorgeous strand out of place.

THRAWN: But I was appreciating the finest piece of art in this benighted place! [grabs it back and stares at his face again]

MARA: That's mine, you blue freak!

ZAHN: [takes mirror away from both of them] Behave yourselves. We're all on the same team, and our mission is to wipe out all memory of these pathetic "canon" [makes quote signs with fingers] characters. Now go do your job!

[MARA steps into the ring, looking bored.]

PADME: Remember, Beru... I trusted you and Owen to protect the last hope of the galaxy--who also happened to be my infant son. I sure wouldn't have done that if I didn't think you were more than up to the task of taking on a minor leaguer like this.

LUKE: [kisses her cheek] You'll do great, Aunt Beru.

LEIA: Give her mouthful of sand.

MARAMANIAC #2: [shouts] Go take your fall, you ugly old cow!

[LUKE waves his hand, and the bleacher section buckles, tossing MM#2 into a puddle of warm beer... or at least he hopes that's what it's a puddle of.]

GEORGE LUCAS: Whatever happens, it's okay. You're always a winner and a beauty in my book. Don't let them get to you. Are you ready?

[AUNT BERU nods, then goes to the middle of the ring, her hands still clasped in front of her. She smiles at Mara.]

AUNT BERU: Hello, dear. Whoever taught you to dress like that really wasn't doing you any favors.

[MARA raises her fist and slams it down toward AUNT BERU's face. AUNT BERU catches it and twists her arm around behind her.]

AUNT BERU: What was my nephew thinking of?

MARA: [yanks herself away, twisting and throwing AUNT BERU off balance; MARA forces her chest out] In two words? [points first to her left breast, then to her right] He never saw a real woman before me! Of course he lusted after me! All men do!

MARAMANIAC #1: You tell 'er, Mara!

THRAWN: I'm not so sure about that...

MARA: I said men.

AUNT BERU: You're even cruel to your own friend! What's the matter with you?

MARA: I'm kewl.

AUNT BERU: [sighs] Well, maybe this will warm you up.

[She throws a well-aimed punch that reels MARA into the ropes, then runs across and jumps on her.]

AUNT BERU: I'll teach you to say dirty things about my nephew, you little tramp!

[MARA staggers from the ropes, AUNT BERU holding on and punching her over and over in the arms and face. MARA reaches her corner and grabs the leg of her stool, which THRAWN has been sitting on, admiring himself in her mirror.]

MARA: Get up, freak.

THRAWN: I see no long term strategic value in doing so.

[ZAHN, torn between his Mary Sues, finally rolls his eyes and pulls THRAWN off the stool. MARA grabs hold of and swings it wildly over her shoulder, knocking AUNT BERU off. The stool, coming down at a sharp angle, breaks when it hits the mat. MARA ignores it.]

MARA: How do you like that, you little hausfrau? That's the way we do things in the big city!

[AUNT BERU grabs a leg of the stool and waves it like a gaffe stick. She smacks MARA across the face with it. MARA falls down, unconscious. AUNT BERU plants a foot on her, then holds the stool-leg up in both hands in a Tusken salute.]

AUNT BERU: And that's how we do things in the Jundland Wastes, you silly twit. [She throws the stool-leg into the corner.]

PADME: [holds Beru's hand in the air] Round one to Aunt Beru!

[HATERS cheer. LOVERS just sit in totally stunned silence, trying to remember where in SW this old woman came from, as they don't seem to recall her from any of their sources...]